Conflict Resolution is Key!
Arguing is an artform. I know, and I know what you have been told. Trust me. You want to see a skill that can make or break a relationship? Conflict resolution skills do just that. We tend to think the point of arguing is to be heard. Actually, the point of arguing is resolution. Even if you want to be heard, you have to talk in a way that makes your partner listen. That is the miscommunication.
There’s a reason debating is a sport. Defending a position requires skill, fast recall, superior comprehension etc… But a debate does not concede to a solution. Hence the reasons your emotions don’t translate well when the milk was left out…again. Here are some conflict resolution tips to help move your arguments toward a solution. Using these tips are guaranteed to improve your communication skills. Use the next sentence as the example.
“You never return my text or calls.”
Use “I” statements
Statements that start with “You” can place the other person on the defensive. An effective statement would be you owning your emotions and explaining how the action makes you feel. “I” statements clearly define what has happened, how it made you feel, and what can be done differently in the future. For example.
“I feel (emotion)when you (behavior) because (how it effects me), so can you (request specific change)?”
This sentence covers all the points without adding all the extra hurtful shit we like to season arguments with. Now we are both focused on the issue and resolution.
“I feel anxious when you don’t return my text/calls, because I don’t know if you don’t have time for me, or if I am bothering you, so can you just shoot me a text and let me know you are busy next time?
Some people think this is too much, but if you do not wish to cause distress on your partner, its a simple request. Relationships are about picking your battles. Its a small loss for you, but a big victory for them. Using this method greatly decreases “things you may have to take back” in arguments. A structured statement leaves no room for you to call their mama ugly…again lol.
Next time you find yourself feeling a way, use the formula above and see if it helps! If your relationship is fairly healthy, it should work like butter!
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