What is….

There are many definitions of what love is, but it still seems aloof to so many folk, especially now. People are seeking genuine connections and learning that longevity does not mean love. I’ve experienced multiple types of love in the last week, and I want to talk about what they all had in common. I am not a therapist. Please don’t think I’m trying to fix your life lol. I am going to talk about my relationships and hope that it helps someone. If it does not, no harm is intended.

Grief…

My mother died this month. She was the last of her siblings. Her entire generation is no longer on this side. I had many years to prepare for this day, and I feel like I used them wisely. My mothers arrangements were smooth. My siblings handled everything, and I was given time to really process this next chapter. I am now the matriarch of this family.

I was engulfed in love by my circle, but un-traditionally. My friends knew I didn’t want to have all these random conversations about my mothers death, so they spent the entire first week fielding calls away from me (big crying right now btw). When I finally reached out, each of them had stories of people wanting to call and send their condolences and them expressly directing them not to lolololol. You may think thats small, but they effectively saved each one of those friendships lmaaaaoooo.

My love…

I hear constantly how yall love how my husband loves me. He gets bombarded by strangers when he’s out because everyone knows him, even though he’s so reclusive. You only have one side of the story though. Mine. He’s not out talking about how dope I am cuz he’s never outside lololololol. You just believe me, because you feel it on me. This pandemic has shown me that my relationship is unique, and I honestly had no idea. I thought most long standing ships were solid, but the last few years has peeled back the layers of understanding connection.

Couples have crumbled around us for numerous reasons, while my connection to my husband grows deeper. We have been trapped in this house under each other since 2020. Some days I wanted to chop his throat in the middle of an inhale, while he was eating Fritos. There were days I know he called me a bitch in his head lmaooo. Still, we are up under each other constantly and our bond is growing stronger every year.

Is it enough?

Do I have something that others don’t? Probably not. I don’t know about everyone else’s ships, but mine are full of self work. Every disagreement between me and my husband stems from something we personally need to do to be better people. I had to learn how to get out of protect mode, and he needed to learn how to take chances. I have been loved a lot in my life, but I’ve never felt important. Never has anyone made it a priority to make ME happy. That’s what I needed to feel safe. To him, that was easy to provide.

I can’t speak for my husband, but his family was surprised he was getting married. He was apparently very vocal about never being locked down. I would have never known that since we were talking marriage on our second date. 😂 I must have switched on something in him because he was with all that shit then and every day since.

So what do we have that keeps us grounded?

Love is…

Love is finding someone you want to make happy, no matter what. My friends didnt need to understand why I don’t want to accept condolences. They didnt care. I asked for peace and they didn’t need and explanation.  Everyone around me waited for me to reach out even though I know they were worried as hell. They gave me what I wanted anyway. That is love.

I can ask my sugamuffins for anything and its mine. Its my favorite game honestly lol. He loves when I am happy. When my husband and I moved in together, he wanted to put his music equipment in the attic. I had never really seen him use it, but I was adamant that wasn’t going to happen. He loves music. You not putting away something you love. If it makes you happy, it stays. IDGAF if it benefits me or not. I don’t care if I understand it. If it makes you happy, it stays. Now we have artists that travel here to work with him. He is living his dream.

Find people that you truly want to make happy, and you will unlock the secret to the best “ships.” People that you will put your feelings to the side for to give them what they need to thrive. Support your friends even if you can’t understand the logic. I would go to the ends of the earth for mine, dragging their bald headed asses along the way until they were ready to walk alone.

I would fall into the biggest acme hole of uncertainty as long as I was holding my husbands hand on the way down. Now I get to be a part of his happiness everyday. That is the secret to lasting connections. Look for your happy.   ❤️