The Talk

I know you don’t want to have this conversation, but talking to your kid about sex cannot wait. In most states, abstinence-only sex education is all the sex education offered in schools. We all know how effective that has been, right? Teaching your child about sex will feel weird, and I get that, but for everything you don’t teach them, someone else will. That other person will move in their best interest, which could leave your child a victim. It’s the story of so many.

Taking classes is a part of my professional development. Some of those classes are about children’s sexual development. Do you know that choking is now a regular part of adolescent sexual activity? So much so that it is necessary to determine what “kinky” actually means between kids. Whether you like it or not, your children are exposed to advanced sexual knowledge without proper guidance.

When Is A Good Time?

Age-appropriate sex education will start at about four years old. Children will usually ask where babies come from and why girls’ and boys’ bodies look different. You may catch them investigating their genitals during this age. Most parents make a scene or yell not to do that. I want to challenge you not to associate trouble with the curiosity. Instead of “don’t do that,” it’s the perfect time to discuss autonomy and what should be done privately versus in public. Some people never recover from the shame attached to discovering themselves; we want to avoid those wounds. Age-appropriate sex education starts early and is revisited often with a little more information dribbled into each interaction.

In their tweens, hormones start to kick in. Now is the perfect time to start hammering in consent. Most children don’t understand the concept because children aren’t automatically granted autonomy over their bodies. It is critical the concept of healthy relationships is introduced early and reiterated often to ensure your child builds a positive relationship with their sexuality.

Consent is the critical piece that often gets missed in our development stages. You cannot kiss or touch someone who does not want to be touched, and you need consent for each step, not just at the beginning. Understanding that consent to any action can change at any moment needs to be practiced often. Talk to your kid about sex so they can develop a healthy foundation.

Pleasure

Stay with me now, lol. It is your job to explain how sex is supposed to feel. Children deserve to know about pleasure, even if it is uncomfortable for parents. Pleasure is what those hormones are seeking, not making a baby. We cannot leave this critical part of the development to chance. Many people have terrible memories associated with their first few sexual interactions because no one ever told them how it was supposed to feel. Some sexual acts require more knowledge and prep work than these kids are aware of. Imagine raw-dogging your first anal experience at 13?! It has happened. When we leave pleasure out of the conversation, kids go underground to seek it out. The people they will turn to may have their own intentions, and that could leave your child very vulnerable and possibly victimized.

The body is an ever-changing playground that people don’t spend enough time exploring alone. Sexuality should be a progression. That progression starts with creating a healthy relationship with masturbation. Many adults don’t have a healthy relationship with masturbation for many reasons, and it makes my job so much more difficult. Freedom to masturbate is the essence of body autonomy. Instead of not at all, discuss when it’s appropriate and how to do it safely. Some kids may need tools while learning or because of accessibility issues. Don’t let them find out about shampoo the hard way, lol. Open the door for pleasure to facilitate a healthy transition to sexual activity.

Caution

I’m okay with abstinence-only education vs no sexual education, but kids will seek the information they can’t find. If you are not a safe space to ask questions, they will go online or to their peers. Neither of those options is a reliable source. Porn is now the primary educator on all things sex for kids and most adults. Porn is a tool, but it is a terrible primary source because porn is acting, and kids don’t understand that. I often wish the negotiation piece that happens behind the scenes was a part of the scenes because it’s so crucial to actual sexual encounters. There should always be a discussion about what’s going to happen and what you will and won’t do before sex takes place. Again…consent is key.

One of my biggest gripes is we don’t give kids the tools to protect themselves if they mess up. As adults, we have all the tools to protect and correct any sexual errors we make. There is always something we can do if given the right amount of time and resources. Kids don’t always have that. Make space for your child to talk to you if they do some risky shit. Most things can be corrected in time. Untreated STIs can turn into pelvic inflammatory disorders, which could affect fertility in the future. Unprotected sex could lead to diseases, pregnancies, and urinary tract infections. If your child has no one to talk to, there could be lifelong consequences for a small mistake. 

Coercion 

Although the number has been steadily declining, most teen pregnancies are fathered by adult men. That is still considered statutory rape in most states. Some adults prey on children under the guise that they are on some equal sexual playing field. Men and women can manipulate your child to believe these are consensual relationships, but the law thinks otherwise. Still, these predators are in your circle, and they have unrestricted access to your child. Talk to your kid about safe adults and who they should share sexual experiences with. Youth pastors, fake aunties, and babysitters are NOT on that list. If they can’t tell you who it is, it’s not an appropriate relationship. Teach your child to exercise caution with any adult trying to convince them to do anything sexual, especially in secret. Please give them a voice to protect themselves against predators of all kinds. 

I know this is a tough conversation, but it is necessary. One in three girls is sexually assaulted before the age of 18. It’s one in every six for boys (likely an underreported number). We MUST take steps to ensure the next generation does not suffer the same as we suffered; in 1991, over 60% of teen pregnancies were fathered by adult males. That number has decreased by half today, but that’s still too many for me. Predators are out there, and they are waiting for your uneducated child to “mold“ and potentially ruin. Do not let them have your baby. Put your big drawls on and handle up. The kids need you. 

I know that talking to your kid about sex feels uncomfortable, but it’s your responsibility. If you need help, you know where to find me.

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